mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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