your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize