It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
