walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
