It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
