got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
