Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
