she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We just shotgunned beers for America
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
