so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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