i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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