i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
