So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
