I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
