My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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