mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
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Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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