Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize