It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
being pregnant is like rehab
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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