I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
