I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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