foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
