I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
