Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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