Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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