She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
