Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
