Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
