Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!