it hurts more in the daytime
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
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I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.