My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
