Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
