sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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