so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
