i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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