i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you will always have a special place in my vag
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
