i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
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i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
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Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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