I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours