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I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
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