The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?