well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
