dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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