What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.