so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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