When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it