Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
