My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
