i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
