Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Pooping to opera.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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