a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
