My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
