its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
