I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
