Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize