Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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