I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize