I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
