If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
