There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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