i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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