I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
