I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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