A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she pinky promised me she was 18
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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