I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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